Raising siblings

🤰Before the new baby arrives

• Tell your child about the pregnancy around the time it starts to show, in words that fit their age. Ten months is too long for a young child to grasp, so link it to a season or event: "when it gets cold" or "after your birthday".
• Explain ahead of time that a newborn mostly cries, sleeps and feeds, and won't be able to play right away. Looking at their own baby photos together ("you were this small too") helps.
• Avoid big changes right before or after the birth, such as starting daycare, moving to a new bed or room, or toilet training. Do them a few months earlier or later so your child doesn't feel pushed out "because of the baby".
• Decide who will care for your older child while you are in the hospital, and let them spend time with that person beforehand.
• Offer small roles, such as helping pick name ideas or sort baby clothes, without forcing them.

🍼After the birth: regression and jealousy

After a sibling is born, it is common for an older child to use baby talk, ask for a bottle or start having accidents again after being toilet trained. This regression is a way of saying "take care of me too", and it usually passes within weeks to a few months. Instead of scolding, cuddle them like a baby for a moment and praise the things only a big kid can do.

Jealousy is not a bad feeling. If your child says "I hate the baby", stay calm and name the feeling: "You were upset because Mom and Dad were holding the baby all the time." But stop hitting or pressing on the baby immediately and firmly.

🥊When they fight

Sibling fights happen over limited things: toys, turns and parents' attention. Through them, children also practice speaking up, giving way and making up. You don't need to referee every argument, but physical harm is the exception.

• When it is dangerous (hitting, throwing things), separate them right away and give each child time to calm down. Talk afterwards.
• Rather than working out who started it, listen to each child in turn and put their feelings into words: "You were playing with it first and got angry when it was taken; you waited so long that you got frustrated."
• Let the children suggest solutions first. Rules they come up with themselves, like taking turns with a timer, are the ones they keep best.
• If it is only words and not dangerous, watch for a moment and give them a chance to sort it out.
• Don't decide by age ("You're older, let it go" or "Go easy, they're little"). Apply the same rules to everyone: no hitting, ask before using someone else's things.
• Letting each child keep a few special things they never have to share cuts down on fights.

⚖️Avoid comparing

Remarks like "Your sister did that by herself at your age" or "Look how well your brother eats" are not good for the child being praised or the one being compared. Comparison fuels rivalry and resentment and can push siblings apart.

Praise and correct each child only for their own behavior. Comparing a child with their own past self ("You put on your shoes by yourself today") is fine.

Avoid labels like "the good one", "the troublemaker" or "the smart one". Children tend to live up to the labels they are given. Accept that each child likes and is good at different things.

🎁Fair means by need, not identical

Trying to divide everything exactly equally starts endless counting. Children differ in age and needs, so bedtimes, allowance and responsibilities can differ by age. Explaining the rule ("When you turn seven, you can stay up later too") makes differences easier to accept.

When asked "Who do you love more?", let each child know they are loved on their own terms: "There is only one of you in the world, so there is only one way I love you."

If your child says "You only like the baby", listen to why they feel that way before arguing. If one child really does need more of your hands right now, make a deliberate effort to spend more time with the other.

💬FAQ